How 1994 Changed My Life


(For Good!)


1994 was a huge year for me, that would change my life. I just wanted to share a little bit with you, on the impact that music and liternature, and events made on me that year, and how it would alter the course of my life, even now, 10 years later.

Insanity and Suicide

I was almost 13 years old when Kurt Cobain killed himself. It was a real enigma to me. I would open up People magazine and just stare into the pictures...I would read the tabloids (certainly don't do that any more!) and was fascinated. I'd already flirted with suicide a couple years before. This death for some reason, though I was not a Nirvana fan, would captivate me. Make me wonder what if would be like if I could kill myself, and then watch from wherever, as people reacted (or didn't react) to my death. Thankfully, the fascination would eventually be broken.

Speaking Out: "Daddy Drinks Too Much"

In the summer of '94, I would in my own way, the way I knew how, speak out against the turmoil that I had endured in my home. I would perform someone else's words. The monologue was called "Daddy Drinks Too Much". Though the character's life was not as disturbing and disruptive as mine was, I could still relate. Everytime I performed that monologue, I took a little power back. It certainly wasn't easy performing. But I did it. I ended up taking second place in the northern part of the county's Oral Language Festival. I would also perform it at a G.A.T.E expo, after my dad's death. It was very emotional, seeing as my mother was in the audience. She said she thought I was going to break down and cry. But I was strong, and I didn't. I remember Mrs. Wilkins, my coach, giving me a kiss on the cheek when the competitions were over. I think she knew that I knew exactly what I was performing, and that I'd more than performed it. I'd lived it.

Sometimes I Hear My Voice

In late '94, my music preferences began to change. I began listening to rock music. Then one day I heard Tori Amos on the radio. The song was Crucify. I was hooked. Before I knew it, I owned the album, called Little Earthquakes. The whole album was a huge healing experience. Bits and pieces I grabbed onto, and for the first time, I could weep for the things that had been done to me. Silent All These Years gave me a voice....Tori's realization, "I've been here, silent all these years..." resounded with me deeply. While I would have to remain silent just a little longer, the song kept me strong. I realized that I had a voice, and a need to heal.

The Tigers Eat Their Young

And finally, October '94. I was hooked on Metallica. I read anything I could get on Metallica. One day I read about this crazy character named Dave Mustaine, who'd been their lead guitarist, originally. He seemed really interesting, and I heard the music of his post-Metallica band, called Megadeth was even more chaotic then Metallica. So I had to have a listen. I bought Rust In Peace and the rest is history. Then when they released Youthanasia, I picked that up too. The 8th song, would strike a huge raw nerve. It was called Family Tree, and it told a tale about incest. It was so hard to listen to. Often still is sometimes. But it put a voice to what I was going through. In the beginning I couldn't really let the song sink in...like a lot of survivors, my instinct was to dissociate ("The body stayed, but inside the head, the mind was on the run..."). Eventually it dawned on me, that I didn't just feel wrong, this WAS wrong, and I needed help. There wasn't much I thought I could do, because I was 13, and because I'd reached out for help before...no one had done jack shit to help me. But I began reading about sexual abuse, and began to realize I wasn't crazy.

A man I'd never met (though I hope to, someday), had done more for me when it came to this horrific thing, than anyone I'd reached out to, than any of my own family. I have always felt a great gratitude to Dave Mustaine for writing Family Tree. I'm further along the healing process today, because of it.

1994 set into motion the healing process for me. Thank God for that.