Ann Free Spirit's Poetry
~~ See My Pain ~~
You did not see the pain
That the little girl had inside
who knew only the orphan way of life
She had no mother she was told
and all of the bad things
that were said to her are still in her head
about her mother who was just a child
The little girl wished that she could have been
her mother's child.
You did not see the fear in me
as you walked by me
swinging a stick behind your back
then out it would come
without a sound
and the swish of the whip
as it came across my back
then the screams of pain
which I knew you heard
But never did I hear a kind word from you
You did not see the torment in my
as the years went by
you have permanently left the scars
on my body and soul
You used me as a scapegoat
as you made me bare the blame for others
without a word for my defense
as I was never heard.
You did not see the pain in my Heart
as you stole it from me years gone by
to live from day to day
without God's love
to hide and sneak around the Place
so no one could find me
to hit me and hurt me again
because there was no place to hid.
You did not see my shame
as you put the dunce hut on my head
while on the stool
I had to sit in the corner
and each and every child
was told to laugh at me
because of the spelling I got wrong
which was the start of me
not having a friend.
You did not see the humiliation in me
each night with three nuns
who thrashed me
as they stripped me naked
of all clothes
tied me hand and feet to each end of the bed
and then made me kneel down
with my head on the floor
to apologize for the wrong I did not do.
You did not see in me
the little innocent girl I was
who was hurting deep inside
because the walking dead was I
because the little child in me
was gone for ever more.
You did not see my innocence in me
as my innocence was taken away from me
by the lay workers, nuns and a priest
who did not care for the child
who cried most nights on the floor and beside her bed she did pray
for Jesus and Mary
to take her away.
You did not see my grieving Heart and Soul
because of been unfairly treated
the ugly, distorted, harsh
and unpleasant thrashings
I got over the bed at night times
with very severe painful injuries
I received from you all.
You did not see my Heart
which bled with torment inside
as you ripped my heart out of me
so many years ago
and no love was shown to me as a child
Because without a mother's love
A child's souls dose not grow.
You did not see the spiritual Abuse
which you put me through
from day to day
as each day you talked of God
with hate
Who shall show no mercy
to us little children
and that hell was where
we would all go when we die
without knowing the true God.
You did not see how with your tongue
The verbal abuse took it's hold on me
which your words cut me to the core
with your tongue so bad and hurtful
in front of all my peers to hear.
You did not see because of my bed wetting
you made it worse
by demeaning me of the cold baths
which you put me in
and rubbing my nose and face
in the wet sheets
which you then made me wear
around my head at breakfast time
standing out in front of the room
for all to see.
Please God!
Forgive them
for they knew exactly
what they had done
to all of the little, unwanted innocent children
in all the catholic orphanages around the world
who are now shouting out for justice to be done.
For the world to hear the truth
about the abuse to us all.
That was done in God's name
by the men and women of the cloth
who showed no mercy
to the little parent-less children
who had no where to hide.
~~ Fear Within ~~
As the time comes closer
I feel the fears which is in my heart
it has never left me
so I have never grown
to excel in anything
The fear of the nuns/priest
is like a cloud over me
which covers
the very being of my soul
Abuse destroys and
decays the mind and soul
It leaves you devastated
and destroys you completely
it degrades and humiliates you
with no trust for anyone
I am out there in Limbo
because of the death of my soul
with no hope to heal
The injuries inflicted on me,
were severe physical beatings;
with spiritual abuse each day
I served a 24 year sentence
in what I now call a prison
and the sentence carried on and on
I was destined for suffering
and for failure
I don't have any confidence
The only thing I am guilty of
is telling the truth
I was shown only cruelty,
pain, hate and abuse.
for they killed me time after time
with their hands
and also abuse with their tongue
I was as the nuns called
the problem of the
unmarried mother
born out of wedlock
A rebel of bad blood
an unwanted child
to all who knew me.
I have carried this secret for years.
Thinking it was me who was at fault
I could not tell of my Shame
I was tormented and embarrassed
The shame is mine alone to bare
As Waters Passing By > Survivor Stories > Ann Free Spirit's Poetry