To My Daddy
Daddy...
I figured I would start this letter by calling you Daddy, 'cause you always preferred it to
being called, Dad, I know. I have some things to tell you. That I never got to tell you. I have
secrets to confide. I plan on letting go. I worry you'll be mad me, I have to admit. But I know
you loved me at the end, and you wouldn't be mad at me now. If only I could internalize it.
I love you sooo much. And yet you hurt me in ways that left me confused and wounded for so
long. I find it weird that "In My Darkest Hour" is playing right now.... 'cause I am thinking
of how badly I needed you. And you weren't there. Or couldn't be there. Or weren't given a
chance to be there.
I remember us lying in bed one night when I was little and couldn't sleep. I ran all this stuff
by you... like, "What if I get kidnapped, what if I.." blah blah blah. Two things daddy. 1) How
come you never picked up that something was wrong? I couldn't tell you. I didn't know how. But
the nightmares, the night terrors, the fears, and the behavior...*should* have clued you in. I
was too little to be going through all that. And yet you didn't know. 2) You said you wouldn't
let anyone hurt me. But who would protect me from you? You were out of control. I don't know if
you know this, but you almost killed me many times. I'm lucky to be alive. And I went through
so much, from other people. That you didn't know about. I wasn't allowed to tell you. But they
hurt me, they were evil. And you weren't around to protect me.
When I was 11, I almost killed myself. I didn't think till afterwards of how badly I would have
hurt you if I'd succeeded. It never really dawned on me that you loved me that much. It's hard
to tell when you hit me, when you said cruel things. When you threatened mom. But you did love
me. Everyone says so. They just don't know the whole story, so they don't understand why I'd
be so confused.
I'm not confused anymore. So I'm not left with that much anger. Just a lot of grief, and a
little bit of memories. I needed you Daddy. I need you now. Your dying didn't end that. I know
that you got saved, and so have I now, so we'll meet again, but the wait is too long. I love
you. I would give my right arm to be hear you call me "wee one" again. Honest.
Love,
Your daughter.