Diary of a Rape Victim
This article originally appeared the Daily Record a Scottish newspaper. The
following is a diary of a rape victim that began at the time of her rape till the month she recieved justice. The article
really gives a window into the experiences of a rape survivor. To return to the main page, click here.
30 January 2006
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE
RAPE VICTIM OPENS HER DIARY OF TORMENT TO THE RECORD Mum-of-three hopes her harrowing account will stop others falling
prey to vile beasts
By Janice Burns
A YOUNG mum whose life was destroyed by double rapist Thomas Kerr has opened her secret diary in a bid to protect other
The 33-year-old has taken the brave step just weeks after her attacker was sentenced to 15 years for raping her - then
going on to rape a 16-year-old girl while out on I bail awaiting trial.
Last week, the Record exclusively revealed how the first victim vowed to flee Scotland after a major Crown I Office
After Kerr, 20, was locked up at the High Court in Glasgow, officials wrote to her saying he would serve at least 10
But a month later, she received another letter - this time from the prison service - warning her Kerr could be out in less
than five years.
Today, her emotional diary describes her feelings of despair at being raped by Kerr, then "raped again" by the justice
She tells how she tried to take her own life and the agony of almost losing her husband and two children.
It begins on the night of August 21, 2004, when she was dragged into an alley and raped, and ends in December when Kerr is
AUGUST 2004: This is the worst day of my life. Not only do I feel that he raped me, but he raped my family too,
because it affects them unbelievably.
It's changed my entire life, it's so unfair - why me? I honestly don't know where to go from here. One big mammoth
nightmare. In shock, going over ordeal with police, waiting on DNA. Doing e-fit (picture) trying to get some sense of this
SEPTEMBER: I'm going on a journey which I can't avoid.
I have no idea where it will take me, but I know this - I will not let him beat me and do my upper best to see that he
gets what's coming to him. He took my life and crushed it, played with it and tossed it away.
The result - my family are left to pick up the pieces. I hope they and I are strong enough to get through this. My family
have been amazing... making me see sense in this madness.
I've been cursed and I guess it will probably always be like that, I can't stop fighting and give up.
I don't want him to destroy me and most important of all my amazing soulmate husband and two precious daughters whom I
Retraced my steps of "that terrible night" that's changed my and my family's life, couldn't remember any-thing more,
Took tests for HIV, hepatitis B and C and other sexual diseases. Waiting for results. Takes three months to show up in
Bit p***** off today. Very, very anxious. Keep having nightmares. Coping skills not really working.
OCTOBER: Results of hepatitis B and C came through negative. Extremely worried going to die of HIV, very moody and
Won't talk to anyone and can't have any sexual feelings towards my husband. Marriage very hard, trust no one and being a
mother unbearable as I can't even take care of myself.
NOVEMBER: I left work after it happened - because of this, unbearable stress on family. Bills not being paid, rent
and home in crisis.
DECEMBER: Can't go out of the house, afraid of every single stranger. Jumpy of the boor bell ringing - noises
Worried he will find me, convincing myself he will. Marriage on the rocks - no communication. Kids suffering, tension and
arguments, crying constantly.
I have no self-esteem, lack of sleep, drinking heavily, blackouts and flashbacks. Spent Christmas alone, couldn't face
JANUARY 2005: Getting harder to deal with, remembering more. Flashbacks. Angry a lot of time, giving family a
difficult time, my husband taking time off work because I can't cope on my own, can't afford child care.
FEBRUARY: Still can't leave home. Feeling trapped. Living in a goldfish bowl, no information, no outside help.
Waiting lists for my care - can't afford private.
Every letter, every noise outside I don't recognise I think could be him, extremely frightened and vulnerable,
constantly nervous all times.
MARCH: Not any better. Fear when will he strike again with me or someone else.
My children, I fear that he's outside their nursery ready to strike and harm them.
APRIL: Shaking a lot, health suffering, ill most days, can't get out of bed, some days don't eat, don't wash, don't
even talk to any of my family.
MAY: Suspicious all the time thinking my husband will leave me because of what I've become, giving him a hard time
and growing concern I will lose my kids and be left alone.
Housework never done, lack of energy, sleeping odd hours.
JUNE: Anxious about preliminary court hearing. Fearful that anything may happen. Little information again - no
support, in the dark.
Date for June 22 where Crown and defence delayed case for more information? Very worried about it. Fear won't reach court,
don't know what's going on.
Spoke to Victim Information and Advice was hysterical, in tears, so they forwarded me a rape crisis leaflet, were of little
help again. Afraid literally of my own shadow.
Case delayed till July 15. Nervous wreck until then. Ignorance still going on with authorities.
JULY: Constantly afraid of myself - family and others. Every day a lifetime. Unbearable. Money getting tighter,
debts and stress mounting. Unsociable, isolated, trapped in bedroom, only place I feel safe.
Another hearing - find out yet again delayed until further date because of another witness coming forward. Had to just
about beg VIA for information.
Shock was the least of my worries, every other emotion was terrifying me. Didn't know anything about the other victim even
though cases were being put together - utter disbelief. I was in the dark again.
The pain knowing there is another victim, couldn't cope, my husband only working a day here and there.
Thoughts of killing myself intensifying, extremely strong, feel so bad for her, can't do anything to help her.
Feel responsible in a crazy way although it's not my fault he was free to strike again, it is the courts!
Pain too much. I didn't want to live any more, as well as dealing with my own pain, I was dealing with someone else's pain.
Marriage failing, can't be good mother, can't support myself, no self-esteem, no dignity, not even pinpoint happy thoughts
anywhere ever in my life.
Took overdose and went to hospital where they gave me drugs to neutralise the amount of pills I had taken. Last straw for
me, scraping myself from the ground. I most definitely don't want to live.
SEPTEMBER: Coming up for a year. Birthday a living nightmare, didn't celebrate, flashbacks - nightmares - memories,
reliving the whole existence the whole time.
Constantly worried for other victim, no answers, no dates, no knowledge of goings on.
Feelings of self worthlessness very strong. Feel alive but not living.
Another preliminary hearing September 8 going through same vulnerable ordeal again, not knowing outcome.
Dreading every waking minute, anxious all the time, counting days till case is called. He pleaded not guilty, major
disbelief, how could this animal deny this!
Again suicidal thoughts, a real problem for family and me. Thinking of other girl (who is she?) at all times, nothing can
do angry, frustrated, feel like I am the accused cause I am treated that way. Lack of respect.
Have to go through the ordeal of giving evidence and meeting the animal who has ruined my life, need to live with seeing
his face again, vivid in my thoughts, would take over my whole life in anything I ever do.
Very paranoid, frightened, becoming a real problem for me and family. They live in fear I am going to try to take own life
OCTOBER: 10th trial date - Can't write about it, too painful at moment.
Please God take me to heaven don't want to live anymore!
DECEMBER: December 8 - finally over!
For the past 16 months, the system hasn't done us any favours.
Cancellations aplenty, unreal stress, everyday hell on earth.
But finally mine and the other girl's day has come, we and our families can now try and move on and get some grip of
justice from today.
The sad and sickening story is the second victim's ordeal could have been prevented but it seems you have to be half dead
to be heard.
They say it's because of human rights that they let these animals free - but where were ours?
Today is a new day for us, slam the door on his face! My message to the other victim from me is "everything finally is
going to be all right, you will get through this, you're a wonderful girl, be strong!"
And other women: learn from our mistakes! Trust no one, never walk alone - it can happen to you.
A little of heaven has come to us today, it's white turtle doves and no crows up above.
At least for now I can try and rest. We can now finally say we have both been heard.
As Waters Passing By > Survivor Stories > Diary of a Rape